The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.
The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imagine.
Yet the woman wed the second man.
Because no matter how gross you pictured him to be…
The first man was just a little grocer.
In communism, it’s the other way round.
A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.
Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.
“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”
“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.
“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up, and when we have enough we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer.
So he thought he’d go on, in the traditional obnoxious way…
“Rabbi, what about all these cookie purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the cookies?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up all the crumbs from the cookies and when we have enough we send them in a box back to the manufacturer. Every now and then, they send a box of cookies.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”
“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.”
“The IRS?” asked the auditor in disbelief.
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “the IRS. And about once a year they send us a little dick like you.”
For example, there is 1 silent “K” in “Knight.
And 4 silent "K"s in the word "Knickknack.”
As well as 3 silent “K"s in the word "Republican.”
The Queen turns to the Ambassador and says “My goodness, I do apologise”
“That’s OK Ma'am, I thought it was the horse”
He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!” The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
A girl I was friends with in high school called me crying today. She had a question she needed to ask a guy friend. She said her boyfriend had just bought a box of a dozen condoms and now there are only six left, but they only had sex three times. When confronted her boyfriend said that sometimes he uses them when he masturbates and she wanted to know if I ever did that.
I told her, “I am not proud of it, but sometimes I have to.”
She starts to calm down and asks, “Why do you have to masturbate with a condom sometimes?”
I said, “I dunno… I have never done that, I thought you meant lie to my girlfriend.”
—
Sorry if this is a repost - I heard it from a radio station a long time ago.
Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.